Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sober January is a disaster.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
