Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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