so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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