Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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