I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
