just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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