you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you will always have a special place in my vag
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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