You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
