Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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