I met the friendliest cop last night
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
