I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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