clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
