I'm going to jail i love you
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
