His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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