i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
and you fell through a lawn chair
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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