I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
