Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
