thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
