so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
