So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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