Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
