Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
