I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
