Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
