im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
