They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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