I feel great
I just peed on a car
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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