Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
