Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
wanna go halves on a baby?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
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Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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