I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
