When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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