Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
