i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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