i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
