WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
