Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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