I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
