12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
