he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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