Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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