got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
