I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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