He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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