she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
