sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
