am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
