Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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