When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
