Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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