I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
