I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
