I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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