Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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