i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
